Baby Boomers: The Club Sandwich Generation

Baby Boomers are often called the Sandwich Generation. They earned this moniker because they are often faced with caring not only for their children but their aging parents as well. I’d like to add another layer of cheese, tomato and lettuce, along with a slice of bread to this Sandwich, making Baby Boomers the new Club Sandwich Generation.

In this current economy, Generation X and Y children are moving back home in record numbers often with spouses and children in tow. Thus, Boomers are now often supporting three other generations not just two. What a fine development that has got us into!

One of my favorite organizing clients is the classic Sandwich Generation. One aging mom needs financial support. Then her son came home with wife and two children. Because of the predatory real estate lending practices, he had been deluded into buying a house far beyond his means. Don’t just get a loan for the house, said his lender, get some extra money for some fun stuff too. Like a fool, that’s just what he did. He came home to Mom and Dad, having lost his house, but also with two flat screen TV’s and a boat in tow. Now his parents, who have worked and saved carefully all of their lives and looking forward to a peaceful retirement, have been invaded by two extra adults and two babies ,losing all privacy and guest rooms, with chaos and toys scattered everywhere.

Dreams of cozy retirements have been replaced by supporting multi-generational households. Money is very tight, tensions are high and there’s not a lot of solutions out there.

Here’s what I suggest: The new Mantra has to be: All able bodied parties must be pro-active, not simply re active and feeling sorry for themselves while they mooch off mom and dad. That includes adult kids who screwed up and need some help. Give them your very best advice, a shoulder to cry on,a temporary roof, maybe, but send them out to find another place to live as soon as possible.

Relieving them of the consequences of their bad behavior is co dependency and isn’t going to help your kids become responsible for their own lives. It actually further cripples their ability to learn from their mistakes and further diminishes their confidence. This is an easy pitfall for loving parents to fall into. Send them out to solve their own problems. They will be the better for it and so will you. It may be the best parenting you have ever done.

For those who have fallen on hard times,through no fault of their own, that is entirely another matter. This is what families are for. However, even under these circumstances, sympathy and loving help is no substitute for pro active planning and strategies – not just sleeping on the sofa and waiting for the economy to improve. Loving help should never morph into co dependence.

For aging parents, it’s a different story. They don’t fall into the able bodied category. They do need your help and you have an obligation to do so. However, even in this case, you must be realistic about what you can afford and what you can physically accomplish. You may not have the time, patience or physical strength to care for them. Don’t be reluctant to ask for help. You will be amazed at how many services are available to you. You aging parents may have unrealistic expectations of what you can do for them. Dementia may also be involved and you might be in over your head.

There are plenty of senior service organizations out there who can help you. Contact your nearest Senior Community Services department in your town or city. They are a wealth of information and help.

Gone are the days when families lived nearby and aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and neighbors were there to help. Nowadays, we are mostly on our own and often feeling overwhelmed, if not downright invaded.

Becoming the Club Sandwich Generation may be a 21st century phenom, but that doesn’t mean that you have to lose the quality of your own lives. Do you what you can, do what you must, but take care of yourselves too. If you don’t, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else anyway. Leave the club sandwich concept for the deli. It’s not a very good model for living.

Ailing Senior, No Family, Needs Help: A New Life For Amelia

“Who?” said the booming female voice at the other end of the phone. When I identified myself as someone who had been referred to her to help her move into her assisted living apartment, she replied, “Moving? I’m not moving! Who told you that?”

Later, when I finally met Amelia, I understood what had happened. At 80+ and in very poor health, widowed, alone and suffering from mild memory loss, she was distrustful of talking to a stranger on the phone. After some coaxing from the Director of her new senior community, Amelia agreed to meet with me.

Arriving at her home, I noted the overgrown front yard and peeling paint. This lady needed help. Although wobbly in her walker, at 85, Amelia was still a stunner: tall and stately, with beautiful skin, lovely hair and a very young voice. I would never have taken her for a senior on the phone.

As we visited, she shared her amazing story of how, just out of high school, she had moved all alone from Manhattan to the West Coast during WWII. She got a room at the San Francisco YWCA and within days, got a good job at a local company as a bookkeeper. A few weeks later, she met her husband-to-be at a USO dance, and although they were happily married for 60+ years, they never had children.

Her beloved “Mike” had passed away a few years before. Now she was alone, no family, most friends gone, no nieces or nephews, disabled and living in a cluttered and dusty multi-level home which was also in great disrepair. Too many stairs, too much furniture, dust bunnies running amok and kitchen counters filled with stuff she just didn’t have the strength or energy to put away. She wasn’t a hoarder, she was just overwhelmed. Although she did get visits from a local volunteer group, she also admitted that she was very lonely and bored and really loved to be around other people.

I see this all too often. Seniors who have always been proud of their resourcefulness and independence who are suddenly hit with loss and find it hard to admit they need help and even harder to ask for it. It made me sad to think that this courageous and adventurous lady had now come to this. I was so glad that I would be a part of moving her to not only a safe but also happier situation in her new assisted living apartment.

As I looked through her dusty and cluttered home to determine the scope of a possible move, Amelia casually mentioned that her TV had just gone “on the blitz” that very afternoon. Looking at it, I was surprised it had lasted as long as it did! It was a Zenith and at least 30yrs old! “Do you have another TV?” I asked. “No,” she said.

Seniors, particularly those with mobility issues, rely on TV as human contact as well as entertainment. I couldn’t bear the thought of Amelia being without her TV.

I made a quick decision. “Would you like me to buy you a new TV today?” I asked. “No charge for my time,” I said. “Just reimburse me for the actual purchase price of the TV.”

A few hours later, I arrived with her new TV, having got, in my opinion the best deal in town, at a cost she had agreed upon in advance. As I installed it, I noted there was no safety GFI in her home. This is always a concern with seniors – unsafe electrical and out-of-date wiring. In a stroke of luck, I actually found a surge protector in the house and made sure that her TV, at least, was safe to run.

As I left, I turned to assure Amelia that I would make her move to her new apartment as easy as possible. She replied that she wasn’t sure she was really ready, but she’d let me know.

I get very worried about Amelia and others like her. I fear that if she waits too long, she will fall or have some other medical setback that will change her options altogether – and not for the better. Unfortunately, I see this happening all the time.

I was glad that I had been able to get her a TV. I hope she decides to move to her new apartment where I know she will be safe, happy and with new friends to look out for her. That is the least I could wish for such a brave lady who came all the way West by herself so many years ago, to find a new life.

So if you have an elderly neighbor whom you rarely see, gets few visitors and whose front yard is overgrown, chances are they need some help, just like Amelia. Ring the bell and see what you can do to help. You might just meet one of our Greatest Generation who has an inspiring story to tell.